This other world

I have the impression that the world I live in is utterly different than everyone else's. Contrary to what many people think, I don't believe that anyone else can make you happy, or as a matter of fact I don't think that people need each other at all. The experiences that I have living with my family or stangers, are not ones that I would like to repeat any time soon. Like a great thinker said, life is a combination of crap that everybody has to go through, but along the way they can choose to make good memories. Wait, I think I was the one who said that. Nevertheless, when you think about it seriously, life sucks big time, the only way you can escape from all the madness is by going home. However, living with people makes it somehow crappier. They complain, they talk , they laugh, they critizise when sometimes all you just need is little breathing and a whole bunch of silence.
The worst part of it all, is when they telling you their calamities. I mean seriously people, I have my pile of problems why would I need to hear about what you are going through to make me feel worst? Anyway, I know that will sound selfish and bitchy, but I don't really want to know about other people lives. I don't care about your boyfriend, or your sisters, or your parents, or whatever else compose your life. When I ask how you are doing, doesn't mean that I really want to know. And it goes both way, I don't want you to know about my life either. Like this guy, who expect me to say the L word because he has been in love with me since forever. I can't help it to be loveable, I mean I feel bad for the guy, but hey go take your anger out on Cupid not on me. Shoot! give me drama.
See, when I tell them that the only way you can avoid of being disappointed in life is to do not expect anything out of it, they don't believe me. Thinking the worst out of people is wrong, but hey at least you won't be deceived by them. Hey life is life , and guess what life sucks, big time.

When you love someone

I did never understand my friends, or my sisters when they were talking about how much they love a new guy. Maybe because deep in hiding, I do have a romantic bone in my body, or because their notion of love seem quite ridiculous to me. I don't ever remember say I love you to anyone except family, because I think the concept of love is such a beautiful thing, that we shouldn't sully it, or confuse it with infatuation.
When you love someone you'll just do anything. You've become this complete selfless person who breaths through an other, waiting for the next crazy thing to come, and just take your breath away. Loving someone it's like being in need of another being perpetually, but not any kind of other being, but the right one, your ultimate other half. Your're always sacrificing, and compromising, always in need to make the other at ease and happy. Always seeking for a new way to renovate this love that you're sharing. You will deny the truth to believe a complete lie, and there will be times and times again when you will think being able to fly it's as easy as it sounds. There should always be that perfect connection, it's being able to read the other's mind without having to talk. In one sentence, loving someone takes time and willingness, it's two soul meeting each other and fusing in this one being call Love.
In my humble opinion, love is a leaving, breathing thing, that needs to be nurished, and sheltered. There is no reason for loving someone, because if there is it wouldn't be that eternal flame that burns the whole body and soul. It's mysterious, it's pure. It's divine. Being in love is being in direct connection with the heavens, it's as if talking to God Itself. Being in Love is...just to offer oneself to another, without another thought. To risk it all no matter what may come. To always put the other's need first. It's to just let it flow

You know what? I'm just tired of their bulls. Liking someone shouldn't be that hard anyway. With them it's like litarally being in a constant contest of who's saying it first, or who will trick the other. I don't want to play "say uncle". I just want to be throughoutly awed, and adored by a guy. I mean don't they ever listen to Marc Anthony or all of these soul songs. I'm suppose to feel special, empowered people.
Where are they these guys who make a girl feel like a lady? Do they even exist anyway? People seriously, why do I always meet jackasses, or dumbasses? Have I been cursed without knowing it? I mean I know bitches (including my sister) who treat guys like dirt, and they are the one who get the good ones. Boys are stupid! No really they are the slowest gender of the human species, and believe me I'm talking from experience.
They always say don't date guys in their early teens, and I haven't. Well kind of! Still it's like I'm talking to a puppet who I can manipulate however how want, and even then they still mess up, or the arrongant kind who thinks that he's so perfect or so smart that he doesn't need you, even though they are the one who approche you, or finally the goody-too-shoes species who are so in love with another girl (who might not like them back) that they don't even notice you. I guess it's true what they say about guys "they are like parking places, the good ones are taken, the bad ones are open and the rest is handicapped?"
But the funny thing is that I can't even say that I'm done with guys like experienced girls who had their shares of them. I haven't even had a real boyfriend yet, neither a good kiss. You know the kiss that make your knees melt, and turn you to a lala. The kiss that just "pop", make you hear fireworks, and see fairies. I'm just a poor virgin waititng for the right moment. BOOHOOHOO. I don't need people to pity me really. But, SERIOUSLY! Come on God, a taste that's all I'am asking for, just a taste of how it could be.
You know what? I think I'm turning into a big ninny all of the sudden. But somehow it's so unfair though. I'm a bitch I know, and that's my big punishment for always gossiping about people, but I just can't stand that I'm so...so... really I don't even what know myself.

I can't help what people think of me most of the time. But why do they always have a bad impression of me. Well basically, my family thinks that I'm a buckhead, my boyfriends' sisters think that I'm the rebellious immature, little sister that they would have to nuture, and shelther one day, and most strangers see me as a crazy, sometimes meany materialist girl, and finally most guys don't even notice me let alone to have an impression of me.
Globally, I'm living in a world where no one knows me for who I really am. I mean, I'm no complex person, my life is simple as saying good morning. So I wonder why I can never fit in. So far I've never found someone that matches me. What I want to say is if there is no body who knows you, there won't be no one to understand you neither.
But in a weird way I don't hold any grudge against them. Seriously I'm still confused about the whole knowing oneself myself, so I don't expect anybody to know me. Well maybe not, but I want... need someone to think me worth trying for. You know, The guy who will never get what you're saying because he doesn't understand the whole girl gibberish, but who still try and make you feel like you important. ohhh! Here we go again with the whole guy situation. I better go befor I say something stupid.

Happiness

What is happiness really? Some describe it as being in a state of absolute contentement and joy. Others say that it is to find what we've been looking for for our whole life. But if I don't

even know who I am, how am suppose to know what contentement is or what I'm looking for in life. Frankly I'm the kind of person who lives for the next minute to come.

However lately there have been something that's tingeling. I have been asking questions. I mean don't get me wrong, I have goals. Per example I want to be a surgeon, and although most people, including my family, think I won't succeed, I know deep in my heart that I'm meant to be a physician. I'm apt with my hands, and love people. Futhermore, I don't have a personal life, so I won't have to sacrifice one. But like I said I don't ask questions, I act on instinct. That's who I am. I'm not a big organizer, nor a big manager. I don't planned the next day, I just ... live it. Thus my questionning myself at every turn is a new thing to me still. And I keep wondering that if there is more to life. Ok I will get a career, fufill my dream of an independant woman, stay away from my family as far as possible without isolating them from my life, build the orphenage of my dream, if I'm lucky create a family, but still something is wrong in the whole picture. It's not love, it's not freedom, it's .. it's... I don't know, something else. Something that just click. And unfortunately I can't search for it, because personally I don't know what it is.

Maybe i'm just being picky like always, but if I'm not? If something really isn't clicking? Should I go on a self-searching journey, or should I wait. And if that thing just never click, is that what they call unhappiness.